grab your partner do-si-do

what is it about girl scout cookies that turns us all into human cookie monsters? i mean, ok, please don't shoot me for saying this, but they're not that good--seriously. but there just seems to be something mildly acceptable about sitting down to watch tv or, skipping lunch or, just standing at your counter and devouring at least whole sleeve of thin mints--and those stupid samoas...damn those stupid samoas. why, if you eat a row of oreos you're looked upon as a pig but, girl scout cookies...well, that's ok. one of life's little mysteries i spose...or, it could simply be our one time of the year to guiltlessly gorge because you know damn well that everyone around you is partaking in that same guilty pleasure and, for just a tiny window during each long year, it becomes socially acceptable to channel our inner swine...

never say never captain denial

(chilly bird on the seventh story)

this week has drained me in a way that only pauly shore can do to a lizard. um, what...? that didn't make sense to you...? oh, that's because it's an inside joke in my own head, my own screwed up, little head. all right, all right, it wasn't that funny in there either.

so, i came up with this ingenious photo project idea today. it could be awesome...legendary, one might say...well, in my head, the same head that thought that pauly shore joke was funny, it could be legendary.

the problem with it is, well, one of the many problems with it is that it's absolutely inconceivable to imagine i will ever get a green light. (but iris, you say, nothing is impossible. keep your flowery little chin up, it'll all work out...well, no. i'm not stupid. it won't.) it all goes back to yesterday's blog in a way, i spose. it also might all go back to me shooting myself in the foot awhile ago too i spose. all right, so i kindasorta actually blasted my foot to a pile of bloody smithereens awhile back but whatever, it could be incredible...not the bloody mess that is--the idea in my messy, enigmatic mind. or, it could become the pile of crap that this queen midas seems to turn these type of things into with a single touch. i'm gonna guess the latter however-- given my previous track record--but, i'll never give up trying for the incredible...i know it's there. i can see it in my mind. in fact, as i was seeing it in my mind this afternoon, i walked right into my garage door. i was SO lost in my own head, that somehow, i forgot to open it all the way and when it got about half way up, i just started walking. the shock of the crash only interrupted those thoughts enough for me to yell 'fuck', rub my head a bit, look around to make sure no one was watching me and then lose myself all over again.

*sigh*

if you have cake, why wouldn't you eat it too...? oh, it's poisonous.

(in my ramp after an interesting day at work)

one time, a few years ago, this girl i knew looked me in the eyes, over a plate of eggs and bacon (it was a really odd situation--trust me), and whispered, maybe in a different life...

i didn't get it...i mean, i knew what she was talking about but i didn't get it. i wondered why not this life too...you only get one. i think i get it now. i still don't like it though...but, i think, i finally get what she meant.

so what do you do...? flip a coin on how to live this one...? make a list and weigh the options...pro's win...? do it all regardless of others...? talk yourself into one certain course...? follow your heart...your head...? scrap it all, start over...? go back to what your six year old self wanted...? stick with what ya know, blocking out anything else, not questioning anything...?

don't get me wrong, i'm incredibly happy but, i am human. part of being human is to question things, i think, and sometimes the questions on my mind aren't all pink and flowery. sometimes they're disagreeable and consequently bring up things that become quite menacing on my mind but, nonetheless, they're there.

the issue is mainly me here...i'm incredibly flighty and my interests are vast. i really like that about me most of the time. due to that however, i just question a lot and, today, for this minute, that's what's on my mind; so, for this minute, these are the thoughts that i purge.

the biggest loser

(this was cheating. i took this last spring but i'm really craving the way this day smelled and felt. this is such a long winter...i'm burnt out with the cold looking shots)

i don't usually bitch and moan about shit like this but since it's happening live, so-to-speak, i'm gonna.

it's 8:30. i just got home from the day. we all did. it's been long and i'm wore out. tomorrow will be an early morning and so will the next day. it's not ideal but, eh, it's the way it is for right now. my mind has been busy today, and a bit lonesome too, and i was looking forward to this very moment...the one where i can sit here and collect my thoughts before going to bed and then doing it all over again. so anyway, i grabbed about the worst thing to snack on while sitting here. five pretzel sticks and a glob of frosting to dip em in...it sounded so perfect, especially in contrast to how i'm feeling. then, my guy walked by, looked at me, then the frosting, took it off the counter and put it back in the fridge. i didn't say a thing; i just put the gallon of milk back and sat down. i don't know if it's a girl thing or, just a me thing but, yes, i took offense to it. my guy saw that and then got mad at me because i shouldn't be mad about it at all; in fact, he actually implied that i should be thanking him instead for doing me a favor. i think it was at that moment, the moment when he realized that that excuse wasn't going to work and maybe, just maybe, he fucked up that he got mad. he's currently in the bedroom not talking to me because of this. maybe i should have ate it anyway but i just can't now...i would feel like such a cow for doing that... i'll tell ya what i did do though...i broke two of the sticks in half left three long. i lined the short ones up vertically, like fingers (with one off to the side like a thumb), and stuck one of the long ones right in the middle. then, i laid the other two horizontally, and directly below the fingers...so basically, it roughly resembles an ancient cave-painted hand flicking someone off. look, it was the best i could do five pretzels...

i'm not lost...i'm actually found

(dino rock)

what a good day. i spent a good portion of it alone in the car, driving to nowhere, listening to blink 182 and thinking about mostly nothing but, at the same time, a lot of everything. i bought a lousy cup of watery coffee and a good map of my state. i didn't find any breath-taking spots to take pictures because i got lost and mainly had to focus on how to get back before my kid got out of pre-school...which was actually what led up to me purchasing the road map...but all-in-all, it was perfect. oh, i guess i did find the tortoise rock however...and i do love tortoises.

so much of my life has been spent looking for something...i'm never sure what it is but, i like the challenge. i like adventures. maybe that's just my niche. looking. there is nothing more fulfilling for me than a cup of coffee, my camera, the open road and well, a map too apparently. the fact that i need a map is what i like though. i'm in someplace new and someplace different. i know a guy who's laughed and rolled his eyes at me for, well, almost half of my life now due to this incessant need to find myself and continue to look for things...but maybe it's just me. it's what keeps me going, i think. when i find everything, i'll have to stop looking--and then what? i'll fizzle out...become monotony...become everything i'm scared of...? probably. that's why the search continues. i don't want to see the world in shades of grey. i think i found me long enough to know that this is who i am...a searcher. a looker. a finder. i like it.

thanks aaron for checking in on me by the way...sorry to pull a 'you' on ya but, i owed you for all the times you've slipped off the grid...i like to keep ya guessing ;)

it must be something in the water

(i just loved that little guy under the bridge)

i'm going to write about nothing tonight because i want to go play tetris. my guy is playing right now and is rambling on and on about the beauty of the game. it's the stupidist conversation he could possible be having with himself but he's amused nonetheless.

i dreamt about david duchovny last night for the whole hour i managed to sleep. i feel like i'm on the verge of doing something great creatively and my mind is really not letting me rest. i'm up all the time. i've been averaging four or so hours of sleep a night and sufficing on junk food through most of my day, but i still can't calm down. it's like i'm on this creative crack...oh wait, it's more like when you get like an itch way inside of your knee...like in the bone or something and you can't itch it but you keep trying. does that ever happen to anyone but me? anyway, that's what it's like. i can't control it, i just have to follow it. tonight i'm going to take something to help my strung out head sleep...one good night should be good. the words pouring out from me lately, the pictures, the decorating, the reading, the re-arranging, it's all not enough for me. i need more...i keep craving more. i have given up internet completely. i'm a news fanatic and i quit the habit cold-turkey. five times a day i used to check it...along with my e-mail. it had to go. it was getting in the way. apparently sleep is getting in the way too. funny thing is is that i'm rarely tired...

an open-ended letter to myself

tonight i wrote so much. then i thought about karma. then, i copied it all, pasted it into an unpublished draft and left ya'll with what made it through the strainer. a few pictures. gotta love 3:2 beer. nice and watery. no bite.