t-day...still style

(my contribution to dinner was simply a pie. we went to my guys family's house for t-day. i've learned not to throw it at my home...due to mi familia.)

(it looked so beautiful. and then i baked it. yuck. other people loved it...i cringe at the thought of ever having to eat it again.)

(there it is...in aluminum foil...just festering under there...)

(my very cool sis-in-law smushing taters. we took home about 5 pounds of extras. plus, i bought ten pounds of idaho ones...they were 1.99 at target for ten pounds...i could not pass it up...now i have to figure out what to do with 15 pounds of potatoes...)

(apparently people eat BIRDS on thanksgiving...weird.)

(i love food and family that understands i don't eat that mammal stuff. they always take the time to make me chicken-stock free stuffing and wild rice. it's just so sweet and caring. seriously...that sounds cheesy but i mean it...)

(it was a loud evening...what is it about kids and piano's that compels them to play as loud as possible? i like it...i was the SAME way.)

too tired for words

'i do it just to feel alive'

(ok...so my dude actually TOOK this...i edited though...really...)

welcome back me :)

i went on vacation. self-imposed, but much needed.

my job sucks my soul out of me...well, that and all the cigs i smoke to combat the soul-sucking job that is.

it's all just so stupid. absolutely, positively fucking stupid. work, work, work...there's no room to really live in the monotony of the routine, is there? and screw all them nay sayers who are like...you should just count your blessing that you have a job. no. i count my blessings that i have my creativity and my health--the things that make me, me...that's gone though...the creativity that it, so what have i got...health...? health to get me to work and back...i also have: rush hour, bitter cups of coffee, frozen lunches, cans of soda, a shit-ton of e-mails telling me what to do next and a few more cups-a joe...cold most of the time, mind you...

it's sad, because i do love my job. i work at a museum...a pretty cool one at that. i'm proud of my work too. it's just so unrewarding in the paycheck vs responsibilities department, ya know...? like seriously...responsibilites have strangled the hourly wage until its eye's popped out of the few george washington's that eventually ended up in my hand...minus uncle sam's cut that is. at least i don't have to worry about paying for health insurance...i don't have that. and i do have overtime pay...which is good. i need to put in o.t. to make up for any day i need to stay home...i don't get p.t.o either. god. i'm such a bitch. listen to me...all complainin' and stuff. to think...i could be back waitressing making a measly 20 or so bucks an hour.

gaaaaaarrrrrrrrg.

whew. i feel better now, i think. actually no, i know i do. it's the beginning of my three day weekend and i've had a few glasses of wine--my first drinks in over two weeks, not quite three but definitely more than two. it feels good too. it feels like that deep down happy i love and that's truly deep down me. it doesn't feel like stress or chaos...it feels smily and content. it feels like i want to attempt to solve the problems of the world with a smoke in one hand and a glass of wine in the other and with rambly sentences that have nowhere to go but into space. it feels like jim croce the night before thanksgiving without a care in the world about lay offs, money, weight and family issues. it feels like a happy turkey day despite being a vegetararian. it feels like i can laugh at the things that normally make my eyes well up with the tears that sting my cheeks...sometimes happiness can be found at the bottom of a bottle, i swear. every time? no. it will be the death of the happiness if you let it become you...if you try to use it every night to find the real you...the happy...you won't find it. you'll just keep searching. i like wine every couple-a weeks. i like a lot of wine every couple-a weeks a lot. i like remembering that deep down...under all that bull shit...there is happy. i do like happy. a lot :)

w.w.j.d man...w.w.j.d...?

so today, while my guy was at the car place getting the oil changed, smoking cigarettes and talking WoW...i wandered over to the mall. old navy had a clearance rack full of .97 cent skirts and shorts :) i got five. five bucks for five new skirts that i can easily wear to work...i just need to invest in a few pairs of tights--due to this whole winter thing and stuff. it's freakin cold out there.

so, as i write, i'm watching barbara walters talk to the pregnant man. i just don't get what the big deal is...? they're a couple that wanted to have a baby...ok, most couples do. they did whatever it took to have a baby...ok, many couples do that as well. so, just because the man was once a woman it's this huge deal...? it's no secret he used to be a woman...so why is everyone so shocked he can carry a child...?

stupid people i tell ya.

all these pro-life, yay jesus folk are out there pointing fingers and shaking them hard at this couple...calling them names and shunning them, but what about that baby? hurt the parents and the child will feel it. we all knew when our parents were sad...we felt it. so while all these folks walking with jesus each sunday shun this family, they're missing out on the difference they could make by just actually walking by jesus...by walking their talk...by opening their heart to this family and that child. these people who are allowing themselves to hate and judge are allowing the devil to convince them that pride isn't deadly. i just don't understand...

ah yes you hardcore christians, i hate that you're shocked when people judge you as closed minded and hateful...you're the reason that stereo-type exsists in the first place. this is just one more example of it... you just don't think for yourselves.

hey...i actually wrote something

so the other day i woke up, and due to my like of the show pushing daisies and a fit of o.c.d., i decided to make a pie. it was the awesome-est pie ever. i left one special piece for today but there was a little green dot on it :(

stupid mold.
why didn't i refrigerate it it?
stupid me.

i decided to have a glass of wine instead.

so, i saw my crazy ex today. he's well. he was with his daughter playing at my work--and texted me to say so. it was brief. there's something about him that tickles my creative side though...even in the swiftness of our encounter today. all that depression and stress of that idiotic daily grind melts away when he's around...i crave adventure and i'm young and i'm overcome by the desire to do more with my creativity when i'm with him. i'm embarassed to admit to him that i lose it sometimes...so i tell him i'm good. and happy. and that everything's well. good thing we don't talk often...

i still can't figure out if he's my crack, my ibuprofin, my security blanket or my crutch...either way...he always gets me in trouble. i guess that outweighs everything else...or so they say.

nothing

finally, it's bed time

(snow drops in my back yard...kinda like teardrops on my guitar, but not quite...ok, not at all)

so my last night, in a nut shell, consisted of this:

dinner. two beers.
lame bar. one beer.
hoppin ghetto bar. four beers. one shot.
mellow karaoke bar. one beer.
best friends house. one beer.

the night was full of great conversation and lots of cigarettes and ended for me around six a.m., on my best friend's couch, with the stray cat we had just found outside...

'normal people think about things that are actually important!'

(i woke up to SNOW)

ya know what i hate? oh, i'll tell you what i hate. i hate the fact that to work, means to die. i'm not the kind of person that can have the kind of job i have. it's too demanding on my creative mind (hahahaha!! how fucking emo did that just sound?). i mean, i totally understand why artists all work at places like coffee shops, restaurants and bowling alleys. ok, i don't know if they work at bowling alleys but they might... they work there to escape the mundane and the blase. they work there to know they're going do have stretches of time off and that there's nothing predictable about their job.

i sound like such a pussy (whah whah whah...it's too demanding...whah whah whah...) but seriously. that whole rush hour, nice clothes and normal hours thing is such a buzz kill. i feel so...um, so...khaki. i hate khaki. part of it is that i'm stuck in a lousy situation at my job. it pays AWFUL and demands more hours than one has in a day...so part of it IS that, but most of it is that drab, deathly feeling that comes with the good 'ol 9-5, period.

i mean, i LOVE the city. some of the most fun nights of my life have been spent wandering through them high as a kite at three a.m. or dancing until i passed out and then having to be carried through them...but when i leave my work...i just want to escape the city skyline. the breathtaking-ness is gone. i just want to leave. looking for the perfect graffiti in that dirty alley or the searching for the perfect vantage point to find some magic in the way the sun dances off the building is history. mostly, i want to find the ramp that houses my car, pay the money required to leave and be done. it's pathetic how a job can take SO much of what you love and loved and turn it into what you despise. sad.

so apparently, it HAS to be one or the other. i can't do both. i can't battle traffic, run reports, attend meetings, schedule staff--then leave that and go explore my creativity... my creativity is killed by the time i punch out. absolutely dead and gone. so what's more imporatant? paycheck or sanity? depends on who ya ask i spose...to me, it's my sanity. last night i had a fit of insanity...like real bad...hasn't happened in years sort of bad. i just lost it and kept needing to find something...though i'm still not sure what...? (it was something in my writings from awhile ago...i had paper and notebooks everywhere.) my fiance is teasing me relentlessly about it today--but i don't really think it's that funny. it's me hitting a wall. my guy now hasn't had to deal with a lot of that shit but i have two guys in my past who have witnessed more than enough of it. (my drunken honestly is ALWAYS the trigger. two glasses of wine last night were enough to do it.) one of my past guys is insane and un-balanced and the other is more normal and well-adjusted than anyone i've ever met...and they'll both sing the songs of my crazy. the only difference between the two were the fights. the crazy one...well our fights were brutal...two worlds colliding kind of brutal...bruises and tears...with equal reciprocity... the normal one, with him it was all in words. he was an avid reader and philosophy fanatic and and he used his words to sting...they hurt way more than the way the wall and my body conjoined by the hands of my insane love did. either way, the fights, to be honest, over half the time stemmed from my insanity-- and like it or not, they are both still way too close to me for me to ever let go. they're both pretty decent shit to be still standing by my insane ass...

ok, i'm WAY off subject now...hold on...i'm putting the needle back on the track...

*scraaaaaatch*

ok...so i don't really expect most to understand this, as i'm sure it sounds odd if you're not like me. but if you are, even a little, i have a feeling you know EXACTLY what i mean--and have probably had the same issue. my artist friends are all the same...it's why they call us crazy. it's impossible to understand...but it makes so much sense at the same time.

(my blog title was actually taken from a fight between the normal ex and i. when he yelled that at me and i was SO mad. i'm pretty sure i took a swing at him.)

thank you america

tonight i told the kid...if the mccain wins we're heading to canada, seriously. she snapped back with, mom, i don't know how to speak their spanish. we can't leave american.

thank god we're not going to have to learn their spanish. (though by 10.31.09 i will be fluent in spanish.)

roadkill

i did have one more...

i HATE being taken advantage of...especially by something i used to truly enjoy

(i made my pics at 9:00 pm and wrote the blog around noon...not like you really care)

so, i figured i'd start this post now since i'm already avoiding reality through 60's folk music and cheese-it's. i get an hour of break time at work and i never get time to use it. this week, i'm using my five hours. i had this lovely post all ready last night about just that, work...but i never posted it. i mean it was nothing awful just general annoyances...most of them stemming from the fact that i would easily qualify for the low-income membership my museum offers with the measly wage they pay me.

...EDITED...

i'm scared my job won't understand my freedom of speech so i'm taking the words away. i might make another picture though.

my wii age is 41. ahhhhhhh....!

so, today is my birthday and...it was fabulous :) the fabulousness actually started last night at the halloween party we threw...and it lasted until i passed out around 2. then, it started again this morning...after the headache went away that is.

first, i went online and saw that my mom's myspace status said...'cmarie remembers 28 years ago when we met face to face for the very first time.' that made me instantly tear up and then i noticed her profile picture was us from when i was about a year old (the one posted today) and then i saw her new photo album...all of just me! my life! there are pics i haven't seen in years and was beyond touched to think of the time i know she put into that. it felt so good. good like how her meatloaf used to smell.

then, we went to a chinese buffet for lunch and then i came home and took my annual nap. (i really do only get about one a year.) i got up from my nap when the smell of cake entered the room, my guy was actually baking :) i sat down and colored with the little one for awhile and then was told to go downstairs and play some wii for a bit. i did. next thing i know i had two presents and a big, beautifully decorated cake on my lap. they got me the wii fit game and a super awesome pen mouse pad...it is so nice. like, i'm kinda afraid to touch it kind of nice. my guy was so excited to give it to me because he knows it will help a ton with photo editing. i know it will too. so, i ate a bunch of cake, with a fork right out of the pan, and then played some wii fit with the kid. we had a ton of fun chasing eachother around in the running part :) she's fast...really fast.

today was so wonderful but ya know what's exciting now? the fact that tonight is fall back! i get one more hour of birthday...and i think that's wonderful.